saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
