If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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