she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
