So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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