I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
