I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
