i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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