I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
sarcasm needs its own font
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
