Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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