You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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