im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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