I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
