I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
