I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I think your dad took our porno
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
