my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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