i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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