glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
