I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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