is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
