on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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