Nicole vs. Life
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
