There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
