would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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