everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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