if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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