chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
