You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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