What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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