I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
