She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
