i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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