He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
