i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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