The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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