You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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