I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
