what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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