I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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