Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
