You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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