I am spending my child support on dildos
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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