Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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