How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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