Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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