i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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