He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
