she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
