Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
