So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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