Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
