Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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