I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize