He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
