Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
