Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize