I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
