I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
