And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
