that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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