Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
